Er...mate, I don't want to be unkind, but keep your day job.
"As a freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturissions are to me."
And so on and so forth.
It wasn't quite that my small intestine lurched up and grabbed my oesophagus by the throat in an attempt at strangulation that would mercifully have prevented further reading, but if you'd kept on for more than a paragraph, who knows what might have happened.
"He was such a quiet man, always polite, I have no idea why he would have suddenly grabbed a plastic fork from the back of the kitchen drawer and attempt to kill all three family dogs with it. I'm glad the cries of his wife meant we could stop him in time, although to be honest dog number three does keep us awake at night when there are possums in the roof."
Sorry mate, you've set me off. Look to be honest you haven't got what it takes, that's my feedback. Can I suggest a career in conveyancing?